BYE BYE BORNEO!

I still miss my Aunt Ginny for lots of reasons, but most of all because she used to make me laugh like crazy. She was about 4'10, wore giant glasses, and knew how to cook only in thing, Shepard's Pie. We spent many afternoons reading People Magazine, smoking her Montclair 120s, and gossiping. Even though I have sorta quit smoking, nobody can try to convince me this is not one of the best ways to kill an afternoon. I loved how Ginny would not talk to people she didn't like. Usually, this meant just leaving the room. However, once when I was sitting next to her at a wake she saw someone coming out of receiving line she didn't want to talk to. She had no place to go, she was trapped. However, she did not let this get in her way. She simply put he head between her knees in a sort of crash landing position as the person walked by to avoid talking to them. She also didn't like my CCD teacher because he smiled too much. It was impossible not to admire her style.

Ginny and I did, however, disagreed on one thing: David Letterman. I have always loved David Letterman, who also makes me laugh like crazy. However, Ginny refused to watch Letterman because she claimed he struck her as a pervert. When I asked her why she said she didn't know why, he just did. I was sorta bummed Ginny was not around to see Dave's sex scandal. I think she would have enjoyed it. It seemed as though Ginny was right all along. I don't think he's an actual pervert, but definitely a Ladies Man.

Ladies Man or not, I still love Letterman. Therefore, when I started thinking about how it was time to leave Borneo after ten months in the jungle, I decided to think about all the good and the bad in a Top Ten sort of way. In the interest of ending on a good note, I put all the bad stuff first.

Top Ten Things I Will Not Miss

#10: Feet

I'm not sure why, but if you give most people in Indonesia five minutes anywhere their shoes are coming off. Their shoes are not just coming off, their feet are also being elevated somewhere and their toes are being wiggled [this is often times followed by some spontaneous napping, another very popular activity here]. Now, as a hater of feet this can be a little tough for me. I do not want your piggy toes staring at me on the plane, at the cafe, in my classroom, or in the hotel lobby. I just want you to put your shoes on! Are sandals really all that constricting???

#9: Getting Hustled

I understand that this is a nation with no price tags and that you are expected to bargain. I also understand that I am terrible bargainer and because of this I sometimes have to pay a few bucks extra. If it is a difference between only a couple of dollars, I don't care. But jacking the price up ten times is ridiculous! No, I will not pay twenty bucks for a shirt that should cost 2. Be reasonable! Besides, that is not even a good hustle. A good hustle should have some chance of actually being successful.

#8: Ants

They are tiny and they are everywhere. Almost every time I have an itch, it turns out to be a tiny ant crawling on some part of my body. Ick.

#7: Social Networking

I'm not going to lie, I am always a big social networker. As someone who is both very social and very nosey, social networking is right up my alley. However, with all my friends and family on the other side of the world I have become a little too attached to both FB and my laptop. Sometimes I even laugh out loud at a particularly funny message and openly talk to my computer. I know this is weird and I am looking forward to have more conversations with real people so I can stop feeling like a member of the Trench Coat Mafia.

#6: Being Stared At

I don't always notice, but if you are staring at me without blinking for a period of 4-5 minutes, I probably will. I get it. There are not that many people who look like me around these parts, it's weird- I know. But after I stare back at you and we lock eyes, it is time to look away!

#5: Are you alone?

In a collective culture like Indonesia, most people don't like to do things on their own. The majority of a person's time is spent with there families [if most Americans tried to spend an equal amount of time with their families, I'm pretty sure that the result would be homicide], doing things together. Therefore, when I run into anybody while I'm out on my own their first question is always "Are you alone"? No, I don't have a problem checking my email at the mall on my own, or doing my grocery shopping without company, but being asked if you are alone sounds so serious. It sounds so sad. Besides, if I wasn't there alone wouldn't there be another person standing or sitting next to me?

#4: Smelly Smells

Many parts of Samarinda smell a lot like Chinatown in the dead of summer which smells a lot like extremely hot, dirty underpants. It's a combination of trash, rancid water, and Durian [a fruit that some people say smells a lot like dead bodies]. I am pretty sure that these smells were what made me loose my appetite for the entire first month I was here. This was the first time I had ever lost my appetite. Ever. This tells me that these smells are serious.

#3: Directions

I am not sure why, but almost nobody knows where anything is. You can try to offer an address and a map with your desired location circled and the number of someone to call and ask for directions, but these things will probably not help. The driver will still be convinced that the place you are trying to go does not exist or is in another city. It is not uncommon for a taxi driver to stop to ask for directions 3-4 times during a short trip or to just shrug and politely ask you to get out of the taxi because he has no idea where you are trying to get to. If someone wants to make a killing they should try to market that thing for cars that talks to you and gives you directions. They could really use that here.

#2:Hanging Out At Pizza Hut

In many respects, living in Borneo has magically transported me back to the world of 7th grade where there is nothing to do but hang out at the mall. The staff at Pizza Hut know me WAY too well. If I stay away for too long [which is not often], they ask me where I have been and why I have not been in. It is not exactly all my fault that I have turned into a 34 year old mallrat. There are no cute cafes in town, the bars are really brothels, and there are no funky neighborhoods to walk around [or sidewalks to walk on for that matter]. The mall and Pizza Hut are really some of my only options.

Another hot spot is a donut shop called JCO. They have pretty fast WiFi and donuts with hilarious names like Berry Spears and Why Nut. I also sometimes visit Mickey D's when everything else is just too tough.

#1: Feeling Like A Cupie Doll

At first, I felt like Nell Carter. Then, I felt like Pat. After that, I started to feel like nothing at all. Let me tell you, there is nothing like a ten month dry spell in country that is both Asian and Muslim where you are NOBODY'S type and you are called "Mister" several times a day. The only positive side is that for once my friends can not blame my lack of a manfriend on laziness or a refusal to look for love on the Internet [which is really just full of nerdy guys looking for casual sex. This is the secret the nerds don't want you to know! If you want to meet some NWAs [nerds with attitude] I urge you to open up an OK Cupid account]. I realized that the situation had gotten pretty serious last week in Ubud. I think a guy smiled at me as he walked by [probably the result of too much yoga]. My first thought was WHAT A WEIRDO! Why would that dude smile in my direction? The idea that any man might simply acknowledge my presence seemed nothing short of bizarre and did nothing but demonstrate some guy's obvious mental instability.

Did you see that episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon gives up on meeting a man, starts wearing sweats and a fanny pack, and adopts a cat named Emily Dickinson? Well, on that episode all of her friends get together and hire a Swiss prostitute to seduce her in a bar to get her to end her plans to embrace spinsterhood. My friends might have to do that, too. He doesn't have to be Swiss though. I would be OK with Italian or French, too.

TOP TEN THINGS I WILL MISS

#10:Smiles

I admit, I was not sure at first which list the smiles should go on. Coming from Brooklyn, it was a little unnerving to have everybody smiling at me all the time. However, after a while I got used to it and I started smiling back. I found that it was much nicer than the Don't Even Think About Fucking With Me or the I'm Too Cool to Acknowledge The Fact That We Have Met Before and Have Mutual Friends Faces I was used to looking at.

#9: My Trainer

My gym comes with an adorable trainer named Riza. He looks likes an Asian Superman and drinks a muscle building drink made out of chicken fat and bananas. After following his directions at the gym I am a little less fat and my arms look a little less like they belong to a lunch lady. The only problem is that everyday Riza points to his stomach and says, "Now you do abs". I keep trying to tell him that I just don't have any abs to work on, but God bless him for trying.

#8: My Driver

Everyday a nice little man names Anto comes to pick me up for work. He even opens and closes the door for me and helps me with my bags. I have not missed the subway or the bus for a hot second.

#7: My Boss

For the first time in years I actually have a boss who does not detest me! It is actually much nicer to go to work each day and not have someone wearing a too small polyester suit try to convince you that you are incompetent and stupid and doing everything wrong all the time [even your hair]. My boss actually said things like "nice work" and "you did a good job". I felt like I was in Imagination Land in a really good way. Because of this I did not fantasize about how much better it would be to be a garbage man even once this year and I never had to listen to the Wu Tang Clan tell me to "bring the motherfucking ruckus" before I could convince myself that I could get on the bus and make it through another day of work. It was nice.

#6: Not Being Broke

My grant this year allowed me to live in Indonesia and travel and create what they told me at the bank they call a Savings Account. It was nice not to look at the balance of my account and not wonder if I was actually 16 years old because surely a grown woman who works full time and does not have a debilitating drug habit should have more than $400 in the bank, right? I will miss this.

#5: Feeling Like a Shot Caller

Yup, that's me holding bills that total ONE MILLION. Yeah, I know that 1,ooo,ooo Rupia is only a little over $100 USD, but it still felt sorta cool. I finally got a small taste of what all those rap guys are always talking about. Sometimes, I had so many bills, I couldn't even close my wallet. I figured I should do my best to enjoy it since it is very unlikely that I will ever have that problem again.

#4: Being Relaxed

My work schedule this year allowed me plenty of time to sleep 8 hours a night, read, watch DVDs, go to the gym for 1-2 hours a day, and facebook. It was all pretty stress free and I liked it. I guess I don't need the all the hustle and bustle as long as I have several seasons of Nip/Tuck and The Wire on hand. This led me to consider where I should move when I get back home. Santa Cruz? I was eyeing some tied dyed dresses is Ubud last week. Portland? I've heard it's a good place if you are not so into working and my friend is a vintner there so I am guessing that he could point me in the direction of some fine wine. San Francisco? I love it there and my BFFs live there which would make it perfect except for the fact that I can never, ever convince anybody to make out with me there.

It might be time to consult an astrologer, man.

#3: My Students

They were adorable and they were sweet. They always told me how beautiful I looked with my orange, water damaged hair and my outfits that made me look a lot like a lesbian hobo. Even though I knew this was mainly a result of the same deep rooted racism that causes everyone in this country to use whitening creams, it was still nice to hear. They generally seemed happy and interested in learning English. None of them told me to go fuck myself, engaged in any boy girl fist fights, or told me that they had just come from lock up. They were a treat and will make it very hard to go back to teaching in my own country.[ I'm not going to lie, I did love my lunatic students in Brooklyn. They made me laugh like hell, but man they made me very, very sleepy.]

#2: Adventure

I must admit that I felt a lot more like myself as I was boarding the plane for Borneo than I ever felt while I was trying to be a public school teacher. I saw a buffalo sacrifice, visited a cave filled with skulls and bones, bought vagina chalk, swam with jelly fish that lost their stingers, went to a cockfight, and hiked up a volcano. I did things that made me a little nervous, but also made me feel like I had stepped into the pages of a copy of National Geographic. I felt like Indiana Jones in the best possible way.

#1: My 12 Hour Work Week

Yes, I worked on other projects and had office hours, but my actual teaching time was 12 hours a week. This was perfect for me! Try as I might, I am just not a worker bee. Apparently, I can live all alone in a little house in the jungle on the other side of the world in a country where I don't speak the language or understand the culture with no wine as long as I don't have to work 40 hours a week. I was frighteningly content all year long, soberly hanging out at pizza hut and watching DVDs. I knew I wasn't that into working, but even I didn't know I was this not into working.

The moral of the story is you think twice about choosing the cool guy in college who is terrified of the workday world and has problems with authority to be your baby daddy. You might just end up with a daughter who also thinks that someday owning furniture that is not from Ikea sounds scary and finds it difficult to not arch her eyebrows in a way that lets the bosses she hates know that she thinks they are stupid and full of shit. She will also probably show up every couple of years wanting to store the 5-6 boxes containing all of her world possessions in your attic or your basement. Think it over.

All in all, I've had a fantastic year. I even forgive Uncle Sam for hounding me for all those years, until I finally agreed to pay my college loans. I was given a great opportunity to live in another country and see things I never even knew existed.

Now, let's just hope that after all this clean, mellow living, I don't try to act like a collge freshman on Spring Break when I get back to America. But, if the worse happens and I do and I do something really, really crazy and weird like try to stage at wet t-shirt contest of all ladies in their 30s [which I'm sure everyone is just DYING to see] Could you just let me win? I mean, I have been in the jungle for a really long time.